For a long time now I have known that parenting goes most smoothly and joyfully when you are engaged and present with your children. I know that when I become distracted and preoccupied things can spiral downwards before I have really noticed. The rescue mission that often ensues is all the harder, leaving us all feeling tense and crabby.
When I sit on the sofa reading a great blog on my laptop and my children start to niggle at each other, its all too easy to just throw out little nagging commands. “Don’t say that to her”, “leave him alone”, “cut it out will you” etc.
When I first sat down they would have been happily engaged in some activity, either separately or together. I would have taken the chance to spend some time on the computer and become engrossed.
The subtle signs that things were no longer going well would pass me by, at first, until the expression of them became more and more irritating. Then, rather than tear myself away, I would attempt to control it from the sofa by barking out little commands. This rarely works as by that point things have gone too far and both kids are past the point where they can turn things a+round themselves. So then things spiral down further into an argument or behaviour that really grabs my attention and I, usually really grumpy by now, finally give up and wade in angrily.
Usually the end result is some kind of enforced ceasefire with all of us feeling wronged and grumpy. Of course it is not long then until little battles start breaking out again. We become stuck in the mode of who is right and who is wrong, each holding their own positions and grudges.
Yet there is another way.
It often feels like a lot of effort to take the other route but, almost always, it is far more effortless and enjoyable. It can be summed up as “get off your bottom and join in”. Instead of firefighting and resisting, get down on the floor and play with them as soon as the signals start to appear. Help one out with something so the other can be left in peace; do something goofy to break the atmosphere; help them understand each others point of view; suggest something completely different and fun; stand on your head - whatever it takes to get things unstuck in the friendliest, most calm way you can muster.
My kids get on well a lot of the time but there are times, most days, when they just don’t have the resources or skills or even inclination to handle things optimally. The same goes for me too. I can understand that. So, as soon as the signals start to appear, there is no benefit in recriminations and blame. All that is needed is change. Most often, kind, fun, parental involvement is all the change that’s needed. The difference that it makes is wonderful, not just for my kids but for me too.
When I sit on the sofa reading a great blog on my laptop and my children start to niggle at each other, its all too easy to just throw out little nagging commands. “Don’t say that to her”, “leave him alone”, “cut it out will you” etc.
When I first sat down they would have been happily engaged in some activity, either separately or together. I would have taken the chance to spend some time on the computer and become engrossed.
The subtle signs that things were no longer going well would pass me by, at first, until the expression of them became more and more irritating. Then, rather than tear myself away, I would attempt to control it from the sofa by barking out little commands. This rarely works as by that point things have gone too far and both kids are past the point where they can turn things a+round themselves. So then things spiral down further into an argument or behaviour that really grabs my attention and I, usually really grumpy by now, finally give up and wade in angrily.
Usually the end result is some kind of enforced ceasefire with all of us feeling wronged and grumpy. Of course it is not long then until little battles start breaking out again. We become stuck in the mode of who is right and who is wrong, each holding their own positions and grudges.
Yet there is another way.
It often feels like a lot of effort to take the other route but, almost always, it is far more effortless and enjoyable. It can be summed up as “get off your bottom and join in”. Instead of firefighting and resisting, get down on the floor and play with them as soon as the signals start to appear. Help one out with something so the other can be left in peace; do something goofy to break the atmosphere; help them understand each others point of view; suggest something completely different and fun; stand on your head - whatever it takes to get things unstuck in the friendliest, most calm way you can muster.
My kids get on well a lot of the time but there are times, most days, when they just don’t have the resources or skills or even inclination to handle things optimally. The same goes for me too. I can understand that. So, as soon as the signals start to appear, there is no benefit in recriminations and blame. All that is needed is change. Most often, kind, fun, parental involvement is all the change that’s needed. The difference that it makes is wonderful, not just for my kids but for me too.
